Today it’s been 14 years since my sister died. I don’t feel as terrible as I have the past two days. I don’t know what it is, but the preceding few days are always worse than the anniversary itself. Also this year seemed more upsetting than usual. I thought maybe because I’ve always either been tucked away safely in the cocoon of FVB, or I take the day off from work and know that it belongs to only me.
Today there is preschool and family lunch at preschool, but after that, I can run off to the river where the world is less demanding. I may still hurt and bad things may still happen, but the river makes it better somehow. The washing of the water, like Peter Gabriel says in his song.
Anyhoo, I am relieved that I’m fairly certain my husband won’t walk into the kitchen to find me crying into the refrigerator, like he did yesterday.
I haven’t thought what I will do in honor of my sister today (usually I go on a shopping spree!), but I’m pretty sure an idea will come to me before the end of the day.
Please, do something of your own in memory of my fun loving sister. Even just a toast or a mental hello to her is plenty. I have this need to know that she is still loved and thought about. I guess that’s what will keep her memory alive, and that is very important to me.
Thanks all for reading.
I miss you! Every day at least once there is something that reminds me of you. I often smile at these memories but in those first few months then years of losing you—of you taking yourself away—any memory would make me cry. Now I laugh or smile at these memories a whole lot more. I was trying to tell one of my friends (“G,” you’d love her) about TFGFFCTCLJ and I was giggling so hard I could barely speak and tears (the giggly kind!) were streaming down my face. Also I managed to gross out “G” while trying to explain the TFGFFCTCLJ, which is always fun if your friends forgive you for being so crude. Ah the days of grossing each other out. How I miss those.
Since I imagine you peek in every once in a while, I guess you know a lot of this stuff. But I don’t imagine you to be a mind reader unless I aim thoughts at you. So I just wanted to let you know that I love you and miss you. It’s terrible really, how much I miss you. I wonder if you knew what a long lasting hole you’d leave if you still would have left. I think you would have still left. There was too much hurt inside you.
I haven’t thought of what I’d do for you today, but I keep thinking I should be making toasts with KT, KJ, JH, and other of our friends at the beach. They won’t be there today, so it might just be me and Matt, but that’s okay. You and Matt never knew each other which is probably a good thing because I might pee myself laughing on a regular basis if you two were able to hang out. In fact, that starts to hurt a little thinking about how you won’t meet him so let me move on to something else….
I’m not going to get all mushy and emotional here because that ends up making me exhausted and I have shit to do! Besides, I know you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.