Some of My Reasons

The reason I sometimes post essays I wrote several years ago (despite the fact they make me uncomfortable) is that I am relieved to see how far I have come from the person I became after my sister died.  I am amazed, when I read those old essays, how dramatic they are.  But they perfectly capture how I felt then.  Everything was magnified, intense.  Not much good happened—-or so it seemed.  I couldn’t see good in much, and if I did, I was probably suspicious of its ability to last.

I am sad for that Angela of the late 90s, for she was so lost, miserable, confused, and alone.  It seemed that in my state of misery I just made one wrong, lazy, or self-destructive decision after another.  Those memories are so shrouded in a dark, hazy web that I have a hard time remembering clearly.  The one good decision I made was to apply to Mason and start taking classes.  Most everything else I was just on autopilot and did whatever was easiest.

I was angry a lot and I’d get mad at any old thing or person.  I was unforgiving and needy at the same time.  I don’t know how anyone could stand to be around me—-and some did leave, understandably.

trying to have fun ’96 or ’97

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One thought on “Some of My Reasons

  1. I can totally relate on reading essays/poems from a dark period in your life. It’s such a relief to know that you don’t feel that way all the time anymore!

    On a lighter note, I wanted to share that that “Angela of the late ’90s” was the girl that I (at 11 years old) thought was *so cool!* . I remember thinking how beautiful and vivacious you were … the fun-loving blonde on the jet-skiis! 🙂

    Like

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