It’s coming, it’s creeping up on me, and it’s not okay. Every year when I get through it, the anniversary, I think next year will be better and sometimes I’m right but this year I am wrong. I’ve already had one panic attack…in yoga of all places…and I get moody and weepy and have to talk myself out of the icky mood that has snuck up on me like darkness slowly streaming into the woods at dusk. There I am, in the woods, enjoying nature and its greenness, then all of a sudden I can’t see and I can’t breathe and I’m in a grief stricken panic. Fun times!
I’m going to let you in on a little secret, all you who have recently lost a loved one and the grief is fresh and raw and sharp…despite what well-meaning people say, it never gets better. You just get used to it. You get used to that loss. You learn to live with it. It will bite you in the ass when you least expect it. Oh, you’ll be able to work through it, and you’ll be okay, because we humans, we’re survivors, but it will take some effort. And don’t ignore stuff, emotions and such, because that just turns to poison.
Everyone is different, but word has it that everyone grieves about the same. Yes, some are tougher than others, some aren’t traumatized, and some are traumatized (this chick right here was traumatized). Some people take longer to accept what has happened, whatever has caused the grief. But I’ll bet no matter what the personality, everyone has at least a tiny twinge, probably when alone, that tightens the throat and causes burning tears to spring up, if only for a moment, years after loss. That moment of missing your loved one. It’s best if it happens in the shower, then you can just pretend the tears are merely shower water.