Scotty & Susan married in 1998, two years after my sister died, when I was still a terrible mess. In recently unboxed pictures from their wedding, I can see in my eyes that I’m trying but there is still the shadow cast over me.
Part of it was that I was scared Scotty would abandon me because he was getting married—or that I would lose my place of importance in his life. Part of it was I was sad my sister wasn’t there. She would have been so happy and excited for Scotty and she would have loved Susan. Part of it was that I was profoundly lonely then. The worst kind of lonely can be when you are with people and you still feel alone.
Complicated grief, depression, and sadness had stranded me on a dark and desolate planet. A grey, rocky planet that was way out beyond other planets, on the verge of being downgraded to a dwarf planet, unable to clear anything out of its path.
I didn’t know what my future held. I was tired. I was lost in a void that I couldn’t escape. Sometimes I would reach out with grasping hands, but I never caught hold of anything. Or if I did, I would somehow ruin it.
The other night as I sat eating midnight cookies and looking at rediscovered-in-a-move pictures of Scotty and Susan’s wedding in 1998, I saw beyond the boundaries of what was captured in photographs.
I saw what was, unbeknownst to me then, my future.
I looked up from the photos and around at the three people eating midnight cookies with me. I saw that two people from the boundaries in 1998, Matt and Susan, had become part of my foundation.
And it was Scotty who brought them in from the galaxy outside my lonely dwarf planet.